Controlling pre-game aggression via webloggery

Crush, maim, kill the Kamikazes!

Crush, maim kill the hapless cellar-dwelling Kamikazes!

Roundhouse kick them into next week, rub their noses in dog dirt, then drink them under the table, before urinating on their pathetic, lumpy excuses for bodies!

Slide hard into them at every opportunity, mindless of their gender!

HAVOC!!!!!!!

Now, doesn't that feel better.

And I'll give you the key

The lack of octogenarians and Cervus elaphus coupled with the presence of the parks’ patrol on a miniature tractor made the venue a week last Wednesday more John Deere Park than Old Deer Park. That aside, the Tecumsehs who made the long trip south to the wilds of Surrey were met with a beautifully still evening and glorious sunshine.

After a few tense minutes as the clock ticked down to 7.15pm, a couple of stragglers were spotted hurrying down the side of the A316 and we stepped up to the plate for the first away game of the season.

As at 7pm on 23 May 2007, the Tecumsehs had not won a competitive game in 315 days. The BSUK website says that the Tecumsehs last won an away game on 17 August 2004. It’s possible that it’s true. Notable things which happened on this day in history include: the birth of Seabiscuit, the death of Henrik Ibsen and the formation of the North West Mounted Police (later the Royal Canadian Mounted Police). It's also World Tutle Day. Add to that venerable list, a Tecumseh away win, if you please.

Last season, redoubtable outfielder and sometime catcher Thomas Miles Esq. posed the question “why don’t we do it on the road?”

I am pleased to be able to inform the gentleman concerned that his terms of reference are lamentably erroneous. We do do it on the road (or rather on the pitch next to the road). And when we do we do it in style.

Let us pause a second to remember the following: the 3 innings shut out (regular readers of the Tecumseh blog may need clarification that it was us shutting them out and not the other way around). A double play in the first innings (Sion (CF) and Jane (1B)). Andrew and Simon’s “sweet balls”. Shell’s triple. I could go on.

Actually, I will.

Solid hitting from everyone. RBIs for Shell, Jane, Rachel, Jen, Andrew, Sion and Pat (and possibly everyone else, I lost count). Keeping our cool when they started to get back into the game. Pressuring their pitcher. Tim’s pitching.

We should pause for a further 60 seconds to mention the opposition, who remained good humored throughout, and in the end, gave us a good run for our money, both on the pitch and in the pub. I can report that naturally, we won that as well.

Back In Black

Right, where were we?

No need to bear witness to the events of a fortnight ago. Last night the season began in defeat to a good team of good guys. This is how it was meant to be - you remember - fun. Kudos to Tim for a game well-pitched, to Simon for an astonishing reaction catch, to Andrew (HE IS A WIRY LITTLE WELSH FELLA WHO HITS BOMBS) for his efforts with glove and ball and to all the rest of us for being as cute as chinchillas, dawww.

If anyone can think who the diminutive American was, making unpleasant remarks about guide dogs a couple of years back, and thus besmirching our reputation, please advise. If he's still in the country we'll get Laura to have him forcibly repatriated, she has the ear of the next Prime Minister you know.

Also, Tecumsehs are forbidden to vote Conservative or to leave the pub before closing (this means you Oh Captain, my Captain!)

Blogger is out of Beta - I have no idea what that means, obviously - so anyone wishing to post here, and you are all encouraged to do so, will need to sign in as londontecumseh@googlemail.com from now on. Password remains shawnee.

Brian Johnson says hi.

Dover Sole

There is a playground game, or there was a score of years ago, which involves the contestants standing toe to scuffed leather toe with ink-stained fingers interlinked. The rules: the grip must be maintained and the feet must not move. The aim: to cause your opponent so much discomfort that they submit. The game is usually referred to by the word used to signal defeat. It is variously known as “Mercy” or at my primary school, for reasons that remain somewhat obscure, “Fish and Chips”.

There are two ways to win at Mercy. The first involves aggression, speed, making your opponent cry and the possibility of dislocated and/or broken fingers. The second involves a more defensive strategy coupled with a high pain threshold, a certain stoicism and the possibility of dislocated and/or broken fingers. If you hang in there long enough, the chances are that your opponent will get bored and go play kiss chase instead. This strategy is born from the knowledge that not every game is there to be won and a stubborn refusal to give in.

At 6.15pm there were 2 Tecumsehs. At 6.30pm there were 5. At 6.45pm, 8 plus one stranded at Vauxhall. Which is not the end of the world, (although residents of North London may beg to differ). Unless it’s your pitcher. The Tigers kindly gave us a few minutes grace and Shell emerged from the Southern Trains fan-unassisted oven that was the 6.31 from Victoria.

Having dispatched Aaron into centre field with the instruction to “make your self big and be everywhere” and flanked by Laura and Hils, it didn’t look too bad. And it wasn’t. At the bottom of 2 we were 6-3 down. As is so often the case, one bad inning did for us. But a few things need to be said apart from the headline score of 26-6.

We played some good, good stuff out there. A catch apiece for the girls and a couple for Aaron plus relay speeds that’d make a 100m runner blush and by the bottom of 3 the Tigers had been forced by the outfield to switch from fly balls to line drives.

Everyone had a good game on the field. The batting was always going to be tough with an auto-out. But we’ve lost to worse teams with bigger margins and a full team out.

Yes, we got mercied. And do you know something? So fucking what. Last night was much, much more about what didn’t happen. We didn’t put our heads down, we didn’t give it up and we didn’t let it phase us that we were a player down.

And, no, we didn’t lose the drinking either.

Citius, altius, fortius.

Pierre de Coubertin would have known whether la grammaire française dictates that “je suis habillé” requires a reflexive pronoun; a subject of some debate behind the dead ball line last night. He might even have felt a slight affinity with the mangled turn of phrase; his own most famous bon-mots often abruptly sound-bitten into a platitude for losers which ignores the very essence of sportsmanship.

Fortunately, those on the field were not to be distracted by the intricacies of the use of the perfect tense when referring to oneself. That is to be commended. Also to be commended were the catching of fly balls and backing up in the outfield, the stopping of the lead runner, the safe and solid hitting, the pushing round of the runners, the consistent pitching and above all taking our chances and holding our nerve. Not to mention the aplomb with which the customary 6th inning wobble was despatched.

To quote Monsieur de Coubertin in full (but in English) "It is less important to win than to take part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well”. Last week we played a good game and we lost knowing that we can play better and didn’t.

This week we played a better game and won. Even if we hadn’t, it would have been a performance of which to be proud. Individual performances aside, as a team we were mighty, and that doesn’t just refer to those on the field.

We have three games left this season. We’ve shown that on a good day we can beat the team ranked 3rd in the division. More importantly, we’ve demonstrated what we all know, that we are capable of playing like a 3rd division team.

I’m going to stop now. But before I do, the Panthers should get a mention for their sportsmanlike behaviour and their tenacity in a pub which earned them a draw in the drinking.

You Can't Go Home Again

There is a semi-obscure batting statistic - ISO - Isolated Power, it stands for. There are question marks regarding its usefulness for establishing the value of a player to a team, but some simple souls like it, because it's very easy to calculate. You take a player's slugging percentage (SLG) and subtract his or her batting average (AVG) . The result indicates how hard said player hits the ball.

Renewing what has become our most bitter rivalry, with the Kamikazes, the big black Tecumseh machine exhibited a different kind of Isolated Power; power in a vacuum.

It was a tough loss, but a game that we'd have won under Marquis of Queensbury rules, having dominated for the first five innings. Unfortunately success in softball is measured by the somewhat cruder yardstick of runs scored.

Seth Harman, that was a sweet hit. You may have a future in this game.

Jennifer Alexandra Cruickshank, firstly, do you have a middle name which I haven't just made up? Secondly, you have absolute power, and my position is non-negotiable.

Tecumsehs all, may we triumph with the glass where (or at least reasonably adjacent to) we have struggled with bat and ball. I'll be thinking of you.

Singles

"Janet, you rock my world."

The events of yesterday evening, or those that I was privy to might serve as footage for a motivational video (hosted by Peter Purves) called something along the lines of There's No I in Team. In that spirit, I've attempted to come up with a headline for each and every one of my fabulous fellow Tecumsehs.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFNEY'S
OUTFIELD DUO FEAST ON TOOTHLESS TIGER PITCHING

RETURN OF THE SNACK
SNACK DADDY BACK IN BLACK, COOL IN THE HOT CORNER

LADYKKKILLER
GRAY-SON IN THE KAY-ZONE, ENDS IT WITH HIGH HEAT

SECOND COMING
J.C. FLASHES LEATHER, SWINGS SWEETLY AT 2B

TOO GOOD TAMMES
BIG CAT AT THE BAT, TIGERS' OUTFIELD HAVE KITTENS

TELL LAURA I LOVE HER
RICKY VALANCE DIES IN STOCK CAR, MISSES SMASH

YOU'RE NICKED!
SS NASTY WITH STICK, GLOVE

NO HARM, NO FOUL
SUPER SETH SENDS 'EM IN

WIPE THAT!
PAT LAMINATES ONE

BAD MEDICINE
DR GOODHANDS IS POISON TO TIGER PITCHERS, RUNNERS

THE TAXMAN COMETH
BETROTHED BEAN COUNTER PLAYS 40% OF GAME, 110% EFFORT

UP IN SMOKE
RELIEF CATCHER LEAVES TIGERS WITH THE MUNCHIES

ADRIAN'S WALL
CAPTAIN'S GRAND PLAN BAFFLES RELEGATED NINE

KIT KAT GOLDEN TICKET
EURO QUEEN IS BIG SISTER

Now I'm spent. Tabloid spent. But if ever evidence were needed that base hits and defence win games then we provided it. It was a pleasure to play in a game where everyone excelled, in every department. And a guilty pleasure to watch from the sidelines for the last three innings (which seemed to take forever).

Robbie Williams once observed that "You gotta get high before you taste the lows..."

Tim Booth says "If I hadn't seen such riches I could live with being poor..."

Ozzy: "Finished with my woman 'cos she couldn't help me with my mind..."

Only Ozzy has it right. If a gal doesn't have the answer to your mental health problem it might be time to ditch her for a psychiatrist. The other two have got it arse upwards. Surely the correct approach, in softball, as in life, is to slum it somewhat, at the bottom of the division, say, and then to emerge, de profundis, fully appreciative of your new-found success.

_________________W____L____D____F____A____Pts
Secret Agents - MI6----4--------0-------0-------98------24-------12
Sumatra Panthers--------4--------0-------0-------78-------55-------12
London Raiders C-------3--------1-------0-------70-------42-------10
London Tigers-----------2--------3-------0-------67-------72--------9
Tecumsehs---------------1--------4-------0------34-----100--------7
Saints Nu------------------1--------3-------0-------41-------42--------6
Kamikazes-----------------1--------4-------0-------45--------85--------6
The Mob------------------1--------2-------0-------40--------53--------5

We're far enough now from both Easter and Christmas for me to talk of miracles with impunity. We've conceded more runs and scored fewer than any other team in the division but are safely ensconced mid-table. And in a curious Pompey/Saints twist BB Guns, another historical rival, have a worse record than us and look favourites for relegation from Division II.

Carpe Diem!

Why Don't We Do it on the Road (1.43)

Having played poorly in a poorly umpired game at Clapham Common South the team repaired to The George to participate in Quiz Night. The quizmaster is a charming blonde dreadlocked fellow of a certain age, who, in spite of his advanced years, has moved with the times, including a Name That iPod round among the usual pot pourri of Current Affairs, Sport and Questions About Canada. The Tecumsehs appropriated an entire corner of the pub using a technique that might be best described as Aggressive Colonisation. And then we took it home. Our record now stands at 3-0, meaning that we are marginally better at answering trivia questions than we are at playing softball in the Fourth Division (12-2). Next week we return to the friendly confines of Clissold Park, swapping traffic fumes for swarms of tiny biting insects, and defeat (on the diamond) for certain victory.